My most dedicated lover is supposedly gay.
I am not a man.
My most surprising lover is the apparent player who came to me as my personal unskinned cherry.
I am scared of the power I have in the hands of virgins nowadays.
There is nothing so depressing as seeing all the lingerie you bought, still fresh with the perfume from the store, but having no one to wear it for.
When you walk next to me
Your scent fills me
But you don’t want to fill me
Anymore.
Your tongue lashed at me
with the anger of a stranger today
Where is that tongue I know
That wanted to ravage me
Until I was brimming
With ecstasy?
Goodness I kept holding onto you
grasping and sighing for you
like the pillow in between my legs at night.
Friday hours with you were splendid
But I wanted an eclectic mix of lust and lovingness
When you wanted one after the other leaving me empty
Always empty.
Always behind.
This morning
You reminded me of who I was two years ago
sitting innocently seductive on counter tops
with emergency gifts
you would only spend so much money on me for those things.
I’d give or take anything just for you.
This first time
was a surprise
that was building up
since he fed me something cold and creamy
or when the nearly empty movie theater beckoned us to its back seats
and in the car there afterwards
magic hands until drivers interrupted
but the second visiting
of the juxtaposition of an unfamiliar religion
received two rubber gifts
and super sweaty satisfied customers
rolling out of the lot
with precipitous windows.
Today was our ‘date night’.
We watched Les Miserables and held hands the whole time.
Poor Eponine in the rain was me in his arms.
He proceeded to take me later in his car
I felt his seed as he had me in his mouth from up and him from back
and left me lingering
it wanting for acknowledgement
and received something
short.
Not his penis.
It’ll almost be a year
ohmygod ohmygod
And he’ll want the rest of me too.
And I won’t even get anything
light blue
Not from you dear.
Last night, I remembered the first time we were together
Through all the muzzled past year
and gulp gulp and burning throats
The feeling I had when I was keeled over
A toilet seat sobbing my eyes out
Because he was worried about someone else
Instead of me
And one of my forever lost virginities
He left me last night
And every night this week too.
I scratched my head
My scalp smells of you and it’s been days
I’m going to tear my hair out.
I wonder if my love for my unborn children is more than my natural inclination to be a mother someday. Do I want to pass on my mother’s treacherous mental genes or my own? I could never subject my poor poor babies to suffer my fate
I’m so so sorry
Tonight I fell in love in love again if only for at least a while
We were together in the way I wanted to be
He need not have me speak it aloud
But I did so softly as he breathed
He slept with me for the first time
and he held my hand even while there was the space in the car seats between us
He twitches in his sleep
A car rolled by and I got up to see it and he held me back
I wouldn’t leave you if that’s what you were thinking
2 hours you on and off slept and with each awakening
you’d plant a soft kiss on my lips
And I spent the two hours watching you sleep
wishing you held me entire
instead of just my hand.
It hurts more with each time
but he is less satisfied each time
